Randomness Ensues
by Queen NekoChan
Summary: What can I say? There was nothing else to do, and boredom is not an option. So I decided to make everybody OOC. Warnings: Crack, first fanfiction I've written, and Pitt. Good for you if you know who I'm talking about.
1. Pitt is in this Okay?

It was a beautiful – wait, scratch that, it was a _horrible_ day, for it was the day that Queen NekoChan decided that she was bored.

OoOoO

Edward Elric, The FullMetal Alchemist, broke down a door that horrible morning. Why, I'm not quite sure; he just liked to break down random doors. It makes no sense, however, since that door did nothing to him at all. Wait, it _did_ do something to him. But I don't feel like naming that something, so you'll have to stay in the dark for a few-

"Colonel Bastard!" yelled Pitt. Yes, Pitt. I see no reason why Edward Elric, The FullMetal Alchemist, would yell something so mean. Maybe I should explain who Pitt is. But maybe I shouldn't. Maybe you know who Pitt is, since he is definitely not an OC I made up. Seriously, he really isn't.

"…Who the hell are you? "asked Roy Mustang, The Flame Alchemist. You see, Roy Mustang, The Flame Alchemist, does not know who Pitt is.

"Edward Elric, The FullMetal Alchemist, told me that your door – yes, yes, the one he just broke – kicked him in the shin! Now I feel the need to throw exploding herbs at you for having your door kick my best friend!" Pitt did so. Sadly, the herbs he got were not exploding, but in fact deploding. I don't know what "deploding" is, and it doesn't seem to be a word in the first place. But let's pretend that it is the exact opposite of _ex_ploding. So, Pitt threw herbs, some of which started to imitate black holes the moment they left his hand. The others deploded in Roy Mustang's, The Flame Alchemist's, face. They did no harm, however, since Roy Mustang, The Flame Alchemist, snapped his fingers. I do not know the significance of snapping fingers though, so I'll just say that the herbs were magically – _ow!_ – I mean, _alchemically_, turned into clowns. The clowns started to juggle balls – no, not _those_ kind of balls – that magi – I mean, _alchemically_ appeared out of nowhere. Unicycles appeared in the same fashion, and the clowns rode off into the sunset. That makes no sense, actually, if you think about it, because just a second ago it was morning.

"Curse you, Roy Mustang, The Flame Alchemist!" yelled Pitt, who was still there for some odd reason.

"Seriously, who _are_ you? And that call to the heavens didn't sound dramatic at all. Also, now that I think about it, where the hell is everybody? They're usually hanging around in my office talking about their poor romantic-less lives. Minus Hawkeye. She would be imitating that Terminator guy."

"You're right… let me try again: Curse you, Roy Mustang! There, how did that sound?"

"Much better. Now back to the original question: Who the hell_ are_ you?"

"Oh, yeah, _nobody_ knows of the only person in Resembol whose temper can match Edward Elric's, The FullMetal Alchemist's."

"…That description seemed a little too long…"

"Well, that's how I'm described in the – oh wait, I'm not supposed to tell where I come from. But that's how I was described in the… whatever… I'm also said to be Edward Elric's, The FullMetal Alchemist's, best friend." Queen NekoChan decided to tape Pitt's mouth with duct tape after that little outburst, because he almost revealed where he's from.

"Yeah, all the weirdoes decided to come hang out in my office. And what kind of a name is Queen NekoChan? It doesn't make any sense to those who don't know Japanese."

Queen NekoChan, after throwing the evidence out the window (don't ask what evidence), turned around to glare at Roy Mustang, The Flame Alchemist. Roy Mustang, The Flame Alchemist, glared at the peanut butter jar on the desk, because instead of appearing there alchemically, it decided to appear on said desk magically.

"Don't call Pitt a weirdo Roy Mustang, The Flame Alchemist! He's just acting a bit OOC, that's all! I mean, he would never say those kinds of things! He would say things much ruder!"

"Being shorter than FullMetal and throwing herbs _isn't_ OOC?"

Queen NekoChan blinked in confusion, "No, why do you ask?" At that moment, Hawkeye, Breda, Fuery, Falman, Edward Elric, Alphonse Elric, and Havoc walked into the office. Normally only 10 people could fit into Mustang's (I'm tired of writing full names and titles) tiny office, but thanks to my magical – _ow! _Can you _please _stop doing that! – I mean, my _alchemical_ powers, the room became much bigger, and could currently hold about 12 people. Pitt, however, disappeared into thin air, so now there were only 11 people in the tiny-office-turned-big.

Mustang was curious about the whereabouts of his subordinates, "I am curious about the whereabouts of my subordinates and I order you to tell me." … Guess I didn't need to say that.

"Roy! OMG, I, like, missed you _so_ much! We were, like, taken to some creepy place with a bunch of idiots who said that they wanted to see what happens if we were acting OOC! Then this weird laser thing hit us, but I don't know what they wanted to do with it, maybe it was, like, broken or something, because it didn't do anything to us! Don't you think that's weird?" Bet you can't guess who this is.

"… Why are you hugging me?"

"Teehee! Because I love you, silly head!"

"Since when did you have a crush on me, Breda?" Didn't expect that, did'jya?

"Since, like, 5 minutes ago, silly!"

"Stop calling me anything with the word "silly" in it. Though I wouldn't mind if you were Hawkeye…"

Hawkeye, meanwhile, was trying to get a boyfriend. One that happened to have an interesting talent…

OoOoO

"Wanna go out for dinner tonight?" Hawkeye giggled. You might be wondering why Hawkeye would be giggling, because Hawkeye _never_ giggles. That's exactly why I'm having her giggle. Giggle is a fun word to pronounce.

"Sure, why not!" answered Falman, whose interesting talent was being a walking encyclopedia.

They both walked hand in hand and attempted to get out of the now big office, but Queen NekoChan blocked their path.

"YOU CANNOT GO OUT THERE! YOU'LL INFECT ALL THE OTHER RESIDENTS OF AMESTRIS WITH THE OOC VIRUS! THAT'S VERY BAD! EVEN NOW IT'S A WONDER WHY MUSTANG ISN'T MAKING OUT WITH BREDA! … Oh, wait, never mind. BUT IT'S STILL AMAZING THAT I'M NOT AFFECTED BY IT!"

Ed decided to pipe in, "Isn't dat becawse u arnt a chawacter in FullMetal Alchymist?" For some strange reason, Ed was in chibi form and talking in baby talk.

Queen NekoChan was stunned by this realization. So was everybody else. After all, how can you be in a FullMetal Alchemist FanFiction if you aren't a character in FullMetal Alchemist?

But the one who was truly stunned was Envy – wait, how the hell did he get there?

"CHIBI – CHAN! YOU ARE SO CUTE! I LOVE YOU 10,000 TIMES MORE THAN THAT SLUT WINRY!"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A SLUT PALM TREE?" Winry somehow made a magi – wait, alchemical appearance in the big office. Which is really bad, because now there are 13 people in the room, which doesn't make any sense to begin with, considering only 12 people can – oh yeah! I forgot! Ed isn't as big as the regular person to begin with, even more so with him currently being a cute little chibi. That makes _a lot_ more sense now…

Envy (still wondering how he got here) decided to start a fight against Winry, for when I was solving the riddle of 13 people in a 12 people room, they were still yelling at each other. "I DECIDED TO START A FIGHT AGANST YOU, YOU WRENCH THROWING SLUT! WINNER GETS CHIBI – CHAN!" Dang… guess I didn't have to say that.

"OH YEAH? BRING IT, PUSSY!" Winry charged at Envy, wrench in hand, while Envy charged at Winry, palm tree skills activating.

And that's when the horror truly began.


	2. Pretend this is a chapter title

**A/N: Huh… one review… NICE! Well, here's the second chapter of Randomness Ensues. I recently realized that I haven't updated in a while, even though this stuff is freaking easy to write.**

**Disclaimer: Actually… I AM HIROMU ARAKAWA! I OWN – **_**OW!**_** Jeez, who the hell keeps hitting me? Fine, fine… *sigh* I don't, in any shape, form, or size, own FMA.**

It was a horrible battle. In fact, it was even worse than the Trojan War. But mostly because "The Wrench Throwing Slut" and "The Psychopathic Palm Tree" charged at each other in a 12 person room. As I have stated earlier, there were currently 13 people in the tiny-office-turned-big-made-small-again, and even though Edo-Chan is in chibi form and therefore takes up little space, he still exists and makes charging very hard. Actually, it's his fault that the fight even started in the first place. It's also his fault why the battle was worse than the Trojan War (reasons stated above). Please excuse me while I fix this…

[Censored]

Now that I have fixed the problem, there are currently… let's see… 1, 2, 3… 5 people in the room. Edo-Chan, Breda, Envy, Falman, Winry, and Hawkeye all decided that it was best for them to… um… hang out in that closet over there, because closets are very nice and roomy. Yep. That's definitely what they did… *Ahem* moving on with-

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO BREDA! ! ! ! ! ! ? GIVE ME BREDA, FOR HE WAS MY ONE TRUE LOVE! ! ! ! !" yelled Mustang. There was actually no reason for Mustang to be there, because he already got to appear in the last chapter. He even got the most space time. Hmmm… maybe I should… convince… him to… join all the others in the bungalow. Wait, closet! I mean, uh, closet… yeah…

[Censored]

"What the hell did you do to everyone, Queen NekoChan! ?" yelled Fuery. Fuery would probably never say that, for Fuery is nice. But Queen NekoChan decided that he needed a little personality makeover. In fact, Queen NekoChan decided that everybody was a little boring. Which is part of the reason why she started writing this. The other part is because she had nothing to do and thought it might be a little fun to post a story the minute she was able to. Quite literally, actually; she could start posting stories after 8:03, and she posted it at 8:04.

"I _said_ what the hell did you do to everyone! ! ! ! !" Fuery was really angry now.

"Ah, you see, I… um… told them how nice it would be in that closet! You see, that closet is top notch, and much comfier than Stan's Previously Used Coffins (1)!" Queen NekoChan was telling the truth. After all, Stan could no longer manage his store, for I nailed him shut in one of his own coffins. It was pretty easy, actually, you just – _ow!_ Seriously, stop hitting me! … _Fine._ I _won't_ tell you how to get rid of Stan…

"And how – exactly – could they get in a closet _WHEN THERE'S NO CLOSET IN THIS ROOM? ! YOU NAILED THE FUCKING DOOR SHUT, PSYCHO BITCH! ! !"_ Alphonse proved to be mad after this outburst… Yes, Al yelled that. I started to get bored with Fuery.

Queen NekoChan, at the moment, started to sweatdrop. "Ah… you see… I kinda… um… chopped them up into little pieces and threw them out the window." For some strange reason I do not understand, they seemed to be disturbed by this. Havoc came to a realization though, and visibly relaxed.

"No, you didn't. Mustang, Ed, and Envy are some of your favoritest characters in FMA. You would never kill them. Tough maybe you would torture them, since you're a sadist. Which I find kind of weird, considering there's probably a small amount of 12 year old sadists." He was being very calm and quiet, and decided that smoking was bad. So the Havoc we ended up with is the exact opposite of how he was (I hope).

"Havoc, you stupid bastard, WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU GET SO FUCKING SMART! ! ! YOU FUCKING SHITTY HEADED BITCH! ! ! AND FAVORITEST ISN'T EVEN A WORD, BASTARD! ! !" You know, Al is really starting to get very rude… I'm gonna leave him where I left all the others.

[Censored]

"…You know, this is really starting to get boring... FUERY! TELL ME WHAT I DID TO EVERYBODY OR YOU'LL END UP LIKE THEM TOO!"

"YA THINK I KNOW THAT? ! WELL, TOO BAD! ! ! WHAT'S THE WORST YOU CAN DO TO ME ANYWAY! ! !" Fuery screeched, apparently mimicking a banshee.

Queen NekoChan smirked evilly, amused at his reaction. "Well, I'll show you what I can do, if you really want me to…"

[Censored]

Queen NekoChan then asked Havoc the same question. I'm really getting bored writing this…

"Well, you probably dipped them in honey (not to be mistaken for Hunny) and threw them into a crowd of rabid fangirls. This is the correct answer, because I'm smart like that. Though, sadly, this torture won't work on me because I'm nobodies' favorite character." Havoc let out a deep, sad sigh.

"I'm not sure if Nobody even read FMA… even if he did, I'm not sure if he would even understand what the military is, considering he was raised in a graveyard (2)…" To this day, I still find it sad that Bod's one true love was wiped of her memories of him and that Bod left the graveyard… Raise your hand if you understood that sentence.

"I wasn't actually talking about Nobody, but that is true… does he even know what a telephone is?" Havoc asked.

"I don't think so. He only went to school one time, and not for very long. Bod didn't even have any living friends… Wait, we're getting off topic. I'm just gonna cover you in Hunny – wait, I mean honey – and throw you in a crowd of rabid fangirls. Believe it or not, but you actually have some."

"Oh, really? Ya-! ! !" His celebration was cut short, because I-

[Censored]

"Huh? Where is everybody? Oh… guess they're all still trying to run away from those monster things. I'm pretty sure Ed's clothes got ripped off a while ago. Same with Mustang and Envy… Eh, who cares. I'm gonna go and have some PB&J."

In the end, Pitt was completely forgotten, and was forever stuck wherever he ended up.

THE END.

**(1) Ever played The Secret to Monkey Island? No? Well, this is a part from its sequel, Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge. It's the funniest game(s) in history, albeit a pretty old one. To all the gamers or puzzle addicts out there, I highly recommend it.**

**(2) Nobody is the main character from this awesome book called "The Graveyard Book". It's about a kid who was raised in a graveyard. I highly recommend this one to any and all adventure loving people everywhere. Though you probably already like a bunch of adventurey stuff, considering you read FMA. If you've never read FMA before, then I question why the hell you're reading this in the first place.**

**A/N: I'm bored with this crack fic and isn't very good in the first place, so I'll leave it only at two chapters. If you actually **_**liked **_**this, then thanks for liking it ****. If not, then why the hell are you reading the second chapter in the first place?**


End file.
